A letter to someone starting a long distance relationship. - Another ...

For the better part of the last 4 years I have lived in one place and my partner has lived in another. These locations are 12hrs apart by car. ?We had dated for about two and a half years prior to this geographic divide. ?We gave it a go, almost without thinking about it. ?It has been trying, but we still love each other and, I think, we have a strong relationship. ?

Another friend wrote to me, facing a similar situation, and asked for advice. While I don't have all the answers, I have he foundation of what made the relationship work for us and thought I would share. Here is my reply, sanitized of their identifying information.


Hi __________,

Thanks for the email. It is good to hear from you. First, Congratulations on getting a job and having a partner you care enough about to consider a long-term, long-distance relationship. The challenges incumbent to your situation are minute compared to the blessings that brought you there. For me, remembering this is the most important thing. In short, this is a good problem to have; it is the confluence of two strokes of good luck. Second, I get how hard this is going to be. ?Emily and I have spent the last 3 1/2 years living 12 hrs apart. There are three main commitments that have carried me through: emotionally commit to the rigors of the situation, make the time to see each other in person on a regular basis, and trust in your relationship and each other.

The emotional commitment to this type of relationship is challenging. ?People, whether they are close friend, family or co-workers, will always look at you like you are crazy when you tell them what you are doing. The reason is that this is hard, ?it seems crazy, and a recipe for heartache. They assume you are young, foolish and don't know realize how little chance your relationship has of succeeding. For me, an emotional commitment to the relationship means that I believe and reaffirm my belief that our relationship is valuable and enduring. This belief is shelter from the unintentional storm of people's sideways looks. ? I can't tell you how to fortify yourself, only that you have to do it.

Perhaps the logistically difficult thing to do is see each other in person on a regular basis. Each of us will travel once during a semester. Then, we will also spend our breaks together. ?It really doesn't make for that much time together, maybe 30 days during the course of the school year. ?Usually, whoever is being visited still has all of their school obligations too. Even with all of those reasons why visits are a hassle, you have to do it; otherwise, it is too easy to drift apart. On a separate note, that much driving is murderous. ?I recommend audio books. Audible.com and Librivox.org both have huge selections. All you can really do is hunker down, do the drives, and not complain too much about it when you get there. Even though it isn't the same as being there in person, speaking to each other by gmail video or Skype on a daily basis is helpful. No matter how busy we get, we always talk face to face at the end of the day - it helps.

Long distance relationships require a solid foundation of trust. There will be a lot of times when both of you are frustrated with our situation. ?If you have nagging concerns about the other person's fidelity, then things start to crumble. SOmetimes people get burned. But for the most part, more relationships die for want of trust than do by actual infidelity.

That is the best advice I have for coping with the challenges before you. ?Staying positive helps and there is a silver lining to this dark cloud too. There is the old, tired, and very cliche saying, "distance make the heart grow fond." I guess I would modify that a little bit. Now, the time we actually get to spend together feels so mud more valuable. It is now so much harder to waste a day together. ?Which, for all of the tribulations of the last couple years, is a very good thing.

Best of luck and don't be a stranger

Ian

Source: http://kingsully.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-letter-to-someone-starting-long.html

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